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What to say when someone is grieving
Silence is rarely neutral. A name, one concrete memory, and staying there carry more than an explanation.
Most of us are afraid of saying the wrong thing, so we say nothing. Silence is rarely neutral. It sounds as if the dead person’s name were an embarrassment in the room.
What usually carries the weight: the name, one concrete memory, and the fact that you are there.
Last week I thought of them laughing at the peaches in the market. I still think of it.
That is more than condolences if the condolences are followed by disappearance. If you have no story, this is enough: “I don’t know what to say, but I am thinking of you.”
What is worth leaving out: an explanation of why it happened. A comparison with your own loss, in the first sentence. Any sentence that hurries the person who is grieving. Presence is not advice.
Sometimes the help is doing the shopping. Or a message three weeks later, when everyone else has gone back to their own order and the house is quieter than it was in the week of the funeral.